How to Communicate Effectively During Conflict

Effective communication is essential to maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. However, many people struggle with clear communication, especially during difficult conversations.

The Roots of Our Communication Styles

We all grow up in different family systems, households, and cultures, which shape our initial interaction skills. As children, we consciously and unconsciously absorb what we observe in our environments. Whether your family practiced healthy communication, silent treatments, arguments, or were emotionally absent, these early experiences leave lasting imprints. They influence how you think, feel, speak, perceive, and respond to life as an adult.

In addition to verbal communication, we also communicate non-verbally every moment. Through subtle body movements, facial expressions, and even the electrical currents in our brains and hearts, we convey thoughts and emotions. This non-verbal language is why you can often pick up on someone's "vibe" when they enter a room—you may be reading their body language or sensing their thoughts and emotions.

Communication Challenges

When people have vastly different—or similarly dysfunctional—communication styles, misunderstandings, and conflict are more likely to occur. Communication-related issues often arise when individuals don’t cultivate healthy communication skills to counteract the unhelpful patterns they’ve formed in the past.

Milder versions of dysfunctional communication include snide comments, passive-aggressiveness, indirectness, withholding, and blame. In more extreme cases, it can escalate to name-calling, shouting, berating, and shaming.

The Good News: You Can Improve Communication

The good news is that there are ways to avoid these pitfalls. You can strengthen your ability to speak and listen with compassion and honesty. Most people want to feel heard and understood, as it’s tied to our sense of belonging and connection. You can learn to communicate effectively and experience more harmony in your relationships with practice.

What Is Non-Violent Communication?

Non-Violent Communication (NVC), founded by Marshall Rosenberg, is a communication practice that integrates:

• Empathy, care, courage, and authenticity

• Understanding how words create either connection or distance

• Knowing how to ask for what we want and how to listen to others

• Working toward solutions that benefit everyone

• Collaborating instead of trying to control or overpower others

Communication in Action: A Scenario

Here’s an example of two different communication styles in the same situation:

Steve is upset because his partner, Sherry, is pressuring him to make a decision about purchasing a new car for their family. Sherry brings it up repeatedly, in a frustrated and controlling manner. In response, Steve becomes distant and shuts down. He wants Sherry to trust that he’s taking his time to make a thoughtful decision.

Steve could say: “I feel frustrated and upset when you ask me about buying the car multiple times a day. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me or believe in me. I need more time to make the right decision. Would you be willing to give me the space to do so without bringing it up for the next two weeks?”

Compare that to this: “You piss me off because you’re pressuring me. You should know how this makes me feel, and I shouldn’t have to tell you. You’d better stop it, or else…”

In the first example, Steve takes responsibility for his feelings, expresses his needs, and makes a specific request. In the second, he avoids responsibility, expects Sherry to read his mind, and uses blame, control, and an ultimatum. While Steve’s feelings are valid, his communication in the second example is ineffective.

Using the Compassionate Communication Template

Here’s a simple template for practicing compassionate, non-violent communication:

• “I feel ____________ when _____________. I need ________________.”

• “When ___________, I feel _____________.”

• “When I observe/experience _____________, I need _______________. Would you be willing to __________?”

• “I wonder how we can find a way to make this work for both of us.”

Remember to Breathe

If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered or slipping into negative, black-and-white thinking, take a moment to pause and regroup. This is often a sign that your nervous system is dysregulated, meaning you temporarily lose access to your brain's logical and rational thinking center, the prefrontal cortex. When this happens, you’re more prone to shutting down or acting out, verbally or non-verbally.

A helpful tool to support your non-violent communication practice is connecting with your breath before and during conversations. Breathing helps reset your cortisol levels and soothes the nervous system. When you’re calm, you’re more likely to think and speak clearly.

Stay in the Zone of Effective Communication

You’ll know you’re communicating effectively when you avoid being drawn into unproductive arguments, blame, name-calling, and victim/perpetrator dynamics.

Tip: Take a few deep breaths before entering a potentially challenging conversation. Thirty to sixty deep belly breaths can shift your emotional and mental state. When you calm your body and mind, you bring that sense of calm into your interactions.

Practice Makes Progress

While these communication strategies may feel awkward or rehearsed at first, I encourage you to practice them consistently. Over time, you’ll feel more confident and relaxed in any conversation.

Tip: If you can plan ahead, write down what you want to say before having a difficult conversation. Read it over and practice it until it feels natural. It may take time, but with continued effort, you’ll notice improvements in your communication style and your relationships.

Learning is a Lifelong Journey

To receive individualized support in exploring communication tools and relationship patterns, please contact me to book a breakthrough consultation or discuss deeper ongoing support.